By Suzi Tucker
As a Family Constellation facilitator, I have the privilege of learning from every encounter. My sense is that the group makes an immediate agreement to do our best to be in generous collaboration. The relationship doesn’t require more than that. And, truthfully, it is an unusual circumstance, as it welcomes all kinds of intelligences, beliefs, ways in the world — and doesn’t even need to know their names.
As a writer, I also have the privilege of learning from every encounter, with others and with myself, now and in the past. The braid — meetings with remarkable students, the ever-generative Constellation perspective, a love of language — is deeply satisfying. Over time I have come to see how the separate parts, each beautiful, when together become even stronger. I hope you enjoy this piece …
You know the common idea that we become what we reject? Heard it a thousand times and still many of us slip right into that hole. My mother is such a witch; my father, a cold and absent man. Me? Well, a victim of them both … oh, and maybe kind of a bitch, kind of cold and lacking in empathy. But maybe I am so entrained by my own victimization that I don’t even notice that I am not noticing you.
The description is, of course, not just an abstract example plucked from the external world. The content of my own complaint has too often paved my way in the world. But, over time, I grew unhappy with being what I thought was the flip side of the given complaint only to realize that the sides had flipped back without my seeing when. Once I began to investigate and explore the context beyond myself-as-target, a kind of peace settled in. Through literature, film, biography, constellation, I let myself be curious about a larger context. What fields was my mother navigating? What were the agreements my dad had unwittingly signed? Seeing into the distance, all of the tangle of muchness that came before me, allowed my own reflexiveness to soften — the reactive tendency to defend, deflect, and become exactly what I disliked in them, and later in others. Gone? No, but the connection so much looser these days, the tripwire no longer shoved so tightly into the past.
As I developed compassion for my parents, which came from seeing the landscape around them rather than a “kindness” on my part, it also naturally arose around me, a gentler ecology for myself. Simply human, I share that with my parents and with you — flawed, maybe even deeply flawed, and yet enough.
It’s not similarities in trait or feature, though they are there, it is this common journey, crossing the uneven territory from birth to death. How I look upon them directly colors what I see in the mirror. With what reserve of wisdom, compassion, adulthood? Am I simply not her (who is exactly her)? Not him (who is blind to my replication)? Or, can I open my arms, my heart, my mind — and is that really the gift? That my life was made easier somehow, in part through their struggles, so that I have the space and time and energy to receive and transform? That I can even imagine that it’s a possibility, that I get to wonder?
I see now that those of us who feel rejected by the world are likely rejecting it even as we simultaneously beg it to come closer. Becoming what I reject and rejecting what I become … this can no longer be my way in this life.
Copyright © 2019 by Suzi Tucker.
Suzi Tucker, a central teacher/facilitator of Family Constellations, has collaborated closely with Bert Hellinger, the founder of Family Constellations. Also a fiction and nonfiction writer, she is the author of Gather Enough Fireflies.
An Introduction to Family Constellations: Breaking the Chains of Family Patterns to Reclaim Life Force and Love
A One-Day Workshop with Suzi Tucker
Sunday, June 30, 2019, 10:00 am – 5:30 pm
To learn more and register, click here.